The Truth Behind Lying

Written by Marianne Neifert, M.D.
This article is courtesy of ParentLife.

Being able to trust one another is an essential foundation for intimate relationships. Parents naturally are distressed when they discover that their child has lied to them. Gaining a better understanding of why your child lies can help guide your response.

Children under 4 years of age have difficulty distinguishing between fantasies and lies and may tell imaginary tales without meaning to be deceptive. By age 4, children can understand that lying is wrong. However, your child is so eager to please you and to be perceived as “good” that he may lie about something he regrets doing because he sincerely wishes it were not so.

The most common reasons children lie are to avoid punishment, responsibility, embarrassment, or parental anger. At the time, lying seems easier to a child than handling the consequences of his behavior or the demands made on him. A child with low self-esteem often lies to make himself look better, exaggerating the truth in an attempt to increase his status.
Encourage your child to be truthful and preserve trust in your relationship.

• Cultivate a secure relationship built on trust. This is the foundation for raising a truthful child. Eliminate deception in your interactions with your child. Keep your promises. Treat your child with dignity. Convey your confidence in him. Use appropriate discipline rather than harsh punishments.

• Set the example. Your own model of honesty is a powerful influence in teaching your child to be truthful. If you arrive late and miss part of your child’s performance, confess what happened rather than pretending you saw the whole show. Do not ask your child to tell an unwanted caller that you are not home.

• Help your child understand how important it is to be able to trust one another and how difficult it can be to rebuild trust. Explain that, while the short-term consequences of dishonesty often appear positive, the long-term consequences are negative and can be compounded by a web of lies that must be woven to cover the original deception.

• Avoid putting your child in a situation where he is tempted to lie. When you find your child with frosting on his face, do not ask if he ate one of the cupcakes you just baked. Instead, state the obvious: “I see you ate a cupcake after I told you not to touch them.”

• Stay calm if your child is caught in a lie. Overreacting may provoke more lying in order to avoid your anger. Do not label your child as a “liar.” This negative label will damage his self-esteem and may compel him to fulfill your expectation of him. Instead, forgive your child, and have the courage to trust again.

• Ask your child to practice telling the truth. Help your child feel good about himself so he will not feel he has to lie to avoid your displeasure. When your child answers honestly about something he has done wrong, praise his truthfulness and reduce his punishment. Talk about how God is pleased when he tells the truth.

• Do not focus on placing blame when dealing with problem behavior. “Who spilled soda in the living room?” This encourages your child to lie. Instead, spotlight the inappropriate behavior that caused the problem and focus on solutions: “The carpet is soiled because you broke the rule about not bringing food into the living room. Please get some paper towels and help me clean the carpet up.”

Marianne Neifert, M.D., also known as Dr. Mom, is a well-known pediatrician, professional speaker, author, and mother of five grown children. Dr. Neifert holds a Master of Theological Studies and has authored four child rearing books, including Dr. Mom’s Prescription for Preschoolers.