In The Misty Lowlands

"Give me the grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered for so long."A.W. Tozer

My tears flowed hard last night and today. Emotional and so tired of the pain that at times consumes me. I feel like I can't take any more of this and I am pleading to God for relief. Most of the pain is physical, but I think I am also dealing with pain deep within because I have tried to get through this trial of physical pain in my own strength, and not God's. I am finding that when this happens I fall further away from Him and doubt, fear, insecurities start to take over. The stress of it all is stressing me out! Being in the misty lowlands has worn me out mentally and physically. I feel like life is weighing me down and my tears are the evidence of the pain that I am carrying around.

Last night I didn't sleep a wink. My head hurt constantly and my mind wouldn't rest. It seemed as I cried all night. I usually can have a good cry and them move on, feeling a bit lighter but when the tears come easier and more frequently and seem to last longer than normal I start to wonder if something is really wrong; maybe depression. I am sure that it all works together. I get stressed, I hurt more, I feel depressed. The more I feel depressed, the more I hurt. I spent most of the night trying to lay aside my depressing thoughts, stress, and all the anxieties I am going through and just rest peacefully in God's loving, accepting arms. I pleaded for forgiveness, for I have put my first Love aside and have tried to find comfort, acceptance, peace and love from people and things that cannot full fill me.

This morning, I was back to my old self- pleading desperately to the kids and hubby to listen to me and try to understand my pain. I know they care. They love me. They want to see me functioning like my old self, but it's the same old song over and over. I tried again to get the response I so desire from them but in trying to get it I am pushing them away.

Back on my knees! I come to the alter again to say

"I am sorry Lord for not turning to you. To the One who created me and knows every hair upon my head. You know my every thought. You know when I sit and when I rise. You desire me to draw near to You and seek You for my approval. To get my peace and joy and love from You. To lay down every burden that might bring me stress and lay it at Your feet. You oh Lord are my security."

This afternoon I opened up and vented all my feelings and thoughts to a friend. I rarely show my weaknesses in fear that I will be judged. Being a pastor's wife can cause one to put on the happy face and look as if all is well. I want to be real, but am scared to let the real me show through. In the past I have been hurt deeply by opening up too much. Today, I took that step and shared all my insecurities. In return, I felt total acceptance, love and encouragement. This friend listened well, she sympathized, and totally let me vent. But, she also encouraged me to not stay in this state but to move forward, to submerge myself in God's Word and seek forgiveness from those that I love, but hurt the most-family.

Tonight-My headache is gone. I entered into beautiful family life. Loving words flowed from my mouth. Michael and I cuddled with the kids in our big king bed, and later the two of us enjoyed a lazy evening of just being with one another. I feel so secure and stress free. I see how if I always give into my pain, stress, insecurities, it consumes me and my hope and joy, and other relationships suffer because of it. For the sake of my family and my sanity I need to call on the name of the Lord when I am in the misty lowlands and let Him lead me out.

I called on Your name, O Lord,
From the depths of the pit.
You have heard my voice:
"Do not hide Your ear from my cry for relief,
From my cry for help"
You drew near when I called on You,
And You said, "Do not fear!"
O Lord, You pleaded the cause of my soul;
You redeemed my life.

(Lamentation 3:55-58)